Faux Pas Friday...Fanny Pack...NO!

So today we're going to review and discuss a very serious crime against humanity...the invention of the Fanny Pack.  Why?  Why?  Why was this hideous item ever created?  Probably some guy looking to make a buck on late night television.  Well Bravo for him.  He's sitting in a nice mansion somewhere while the rest of us are dealing with the fall-out.

First let's define our subject with a picture just to make sure we're on the same page.  And for the purpose of this post, I'm going to take aim at the Gentleman Pack for the moment.

Now that we have the target in site, let's talk about when a fanny pack is appropriate.....NEVER!!!  That's right, never ever ever.  When God decided that men should not carry a purse, he nicely allowed Mr. Levi Strauss and other pant makers to include several pockets on our lower half.  And then, just to make sure, He created the inventor of the suit jacket or sport coat to add pockets to the upper half of the male torso.  So let's take a count.  That's at least 4 pockets in your pants (and I'm not even going to count the little change pocket in the Levi's) and at least 5 pockets in your suit jacket or sport coat.  So the total pocket count, without even trying, is 9.  Gentlemen, if you are carrying more than 9 items on your person at one time, it's time for a briefcase or some other kind of acceptable carry all.  Notice I did not say Man Purse!

What the heck is he so happy about?

Here are some other unacceptable pack renditions to amuse you:

Shirtless No!

Double No!

Portly No!

Geeky No!

Bahama No!

European No!

Well, I guess this is ok.  He has no pockets!

Holy Bat Crap No!

Even if its Burberry and costs $500....NO!

Here's a proper run-down of what you should have on your person when you leave the house:

Key Chain - House & Office
Key Chain - Car & Car Alarm
Money Clip - bills folded nicely
Wallet - Driver's License, credit card(s), insurance information.
Cell Phone - yes this goes in a pocket, not on your belt!  That's a whole blog post in itself!
Pen - shirt pocket or inside coat pocket

That's it!  Nothing else is really necessary.  Gum or mints for breath check...heck, there's any empty pocket for those!  Plane tickets go in a jacket pocket.  Small notepad - there's a pocket for that too.

I'm stumped. What else could you possibly need when you leave the house?  So why in the world would you commit such a fashion crime and pollute your personal representation with something so awful as a fanny pack?  Ladies, I understand that sometimes you don't want to carry a purse and a fanny pack may be a suitable alternative, so go ahead and do it.  And while you're at it, pack some of your husband's junk in it so he can be hands free also.  If I see you wearing one, I'll just safely assume you're about to go hiking on dangerous cliffs and extreme danger is involved.

Yes, I'm a bit passionate about this whole fanny pack issue.  And I probably offended some folks I know with this post. And I'm sorry about that.  We never have to talk about it....as long as you never wear the pack around me ever again!

Next up:  The Cell Phone Belt Caddy!